Losing a Loved One
Death is real. It comes without warning. No one escapes it. Soon my body will be a corpse. ~ Buddhist passage
When my brothers, Jim and Dan, died a month apart in 2001, the reality of impermanence hit me hard. I’ve been reading about death and contemplating it ever since. Although I’ve experienced firsthand how it feels to have a loved one die, I still don’t understand death. Most of us don't. We know it happens, but when it happens in our own family, our innocence is shattered and our understanding is reduced to that of a child’s. Where do we come from? Where do we go? How do you lose a person? Below are some of my attempts at putting into words the stages I’ve lived through coping with loss over the last few years.
~ In the first year, you look the same, but you’re different. Someone who was a part of you is gone. You feel as if you’ve been abducted by aliens who have conducted experiments that have changed you. You look around for others who have also been abducted (lost a loved one) to compare notes with. You know those who haven’t lost someone close yet will be abducted someday too. But you can’t tell them much about it, because they won’t believe you.
~ The first couple of years: You know how it is when you’ve lost a tooth, and your tongue keeps going to the spot where the tooth used to be? Your tongue is drawn to feel the remaining sharp edges and to repeatedly examine the huge gapping hole left in the tooth’s place. You realize you’ll have to learn to eat differently. It’s sort of like that, losing someone you love. Your mind is compelled to review every detail of your loved ones life and death. It’s a seductive kind of torture that feels good while it hurts.
~ By the 3rd year after losing a loved one, you’re busy with your life. You don’t cry much. Things seem okay, but then you remember: They’re gone. They’re still really gone. It’s like getting the punch line to a very bad joke, over and over.
Comments
Hello, Michele sent me..
I lost my brother 6 years ago now. He was 3 years old when he died. I had been 16 when he was born. He died 3 weeks before I was due with my oldest. I was ready to lay down and die with him. That was the worst pain I have ever had. And your right. Occassionally it comes back and hits. He was the love of my life. The center of my world. Its like a bad joke. I'm just not laughing..
Posted by: Ivy | June 3, 2005 10:20 AM
Thanks for looking at my blog and responding. I must say your post hit me. And got me to thinking again. Im not really sure if it gets easier over the years or more painful. I think you just learn to cope better.
Posted by: Ivy | June 3, 2005 10:30 AM
Hi there, Michele sent me. Quite a heavy post today...thanks for sharing. Sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Kate | June 3, 2005 12:29 PM
WOW Colleen...i really love your writing...(if only i could express myself this way)
i am going to blogroll you post haste...
Lu
Posted by: LuAnn | June 3, 2005 12:37 PM
hey colleen--your descriptions of time in relation to grief and the metaphors you use (especially the tongue-to-a-lost-tooth one) are so true and clear. it has been three years since my mom died and still i am struck with the moments that i genuinely miss her, or at times think she'll call on the phone and ask where i've been, which she used to do when she was here. thanks for adding words to your experience.
Posted by: Sean | June 3, 2005 12:48 PM
And in the fourth year, you've moved on, but every now and then something jars you to remember the lost and you feel like you've been punched in the stomach.
Sometime after that it becomes eiasier to remember your sweet memories without the pain.
Posted by: Lora | June 3, 2005 1:01 PM
Thank you for sharing the progression of your experience Colleen. I too am working on a book about grief, though mine is much different than yours because it is aimed at a child audience. The quote below is from a paper I wrote about the book. I truly believe that it is critical for people to learn to break the taboos about death that exist in our society so that we are able to deal with it in a healthy way. This section of my paper seemed particularly apt to your subject today.
Your "grief-bond" friend,
~Mara
"One healthy expression of the long-term effects of grief is the willingness and ability to share experiences and emotions in order to ease someone else’s pain. It is critical to be able to learn to put the experience into perspective, therefore offering empathy and understanding to someone who has no frame of reference for the process of grief and mourning. Death is a part of life. Sooner or later, we will all have to cope with the consequences of losing someone who is close to us. By preparing the child for the
actuality of this loss, they will be better able to adjust to the reality of it once they are
faced with it directly, no matter when it happens."
Posted by: Mara | June 3, 2005 3:32 PM
I have no siblings, but the sname h old true for my parents and my grandmother, who have been gone a long time. I sometimes forget, and think "I need to call Mom and Dad" today. It has been 15 years, but the loss is just as great today.
Michele sent me this time, but I come everyday.
Posted by: kenju | June 3, 2005 11:40 PM
You certainly have a gift for writing and expression. This post was truly heartfelt.
Tracy
Posted by: tracy | June 3, 2005 11:42 PM
I have only lost my grandparents recently..I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a sibling, close friend or a parent. I just can't go there until I have to. Love the post though..sounds like you processed through well.
Posted by: J&J's Mom | June 4, 2005 11:00 AM
Colleen,
Yep,
13 years( next week) since I lost my father. You NEVER get over it completely. I was 17 and it really wasn't a good time...It never is I guess. We are all going there..it really just is a part of life.
N
Posted by: the torch singer | June 4, 2005 12:03 PM
I lost mom over 2 months ago. Although she was sick for a couple of years with various conditions, we never expected her to pass so suddenly. I guess in my heart I knew she would not live to see old age, and always lived on edge...waiting for a call from dad or for her to be diagnosed with something else. As I continue to flow through the stages of grief, I most of all cannot imagine that one moment she was here, and then gone the next. Like the wind blew this way and took her with it as it left us here. I see death all the time; as I work in a nursing home and many are there as a last place of rest before death. I have lost grandparents, aunts, and even cousins...but no one so close to me. My own mother; the woman who gave birth to me and protected me from this world. I am still in shock. People say, as I believe, that she is still here with me. I know that but if I could only touch her once more...You have a wonderful site and I only hope one day I am able to express so vividly the memories that I have of my mother...a woman forever young and forever beautiful
Posted by: Rosie | July 10, 2006 11:58 PM
I LOST MY MOTHER SEVERAL YEARS AGO.SHE SIMPLY WAS MY BEST FRIEND MY HEART AND SOUL.BUT I KNOW NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SEPERATE ME FROM HER.IN MY HEART I KNOW SHE LIVES ON.
Posted by: DOUG | February 23, 2007 9:05 PM
I lost my mother seven months ago, my father seven months and my stepfather a month ago. Every night I hope of dreaming with them
its the only way I can be with them.
Sorry for you loss.
Posted by: Olga | May 5, 2007 10:56 PM
hi thanks for your site,i lost my dad when i was 17,it was hard but with mum there,coping was easier,she had a way of making you feel okay in every situation.im 22 now and recently ilost my mother its the worst thing i know that can happen to anyone. she was the smartest person i knew and all my hopes and dreams were shattered, its like with dad gone,i was living for her.
Posted by: tom | August 7, 2007 7:27 PM
I just found your site & it really is helping to know that I'm not alone in this grief, although, I don't wish this on anyone. I am 51 but still the baby of the family & I lost my Mother almost a year ago. She was 78 & lived alone. She had health problems but we had no idea that we would lose her so fast. In Feb. she could drive herself, a Very Vibrant Woman for her age. And within a few months, she was gone. I thought I was doing ok but realized today that it's almost Easter again & I Miss her So Much. Even at her age & living alone, when you went to her house, YOU KNEW IT WAS EASTER! She loved to decorate & always put her Whole Heart into everything she did & Everyone around her. This world will never be the same. She was a Bright Shining Star that is no longer Here, but on the other side. I know I'll see her again someday but for now, there is a huge hole in my life. Just when I thought I was accepting it, once again, my heart feels like it has sunk within me.
Posted by: Joyce | March 14, 2008 9:48 PM
I recently (like 3 weeks ago) lost my father. My two brother became so close that no one could break us apart. I grew extremely close to my older brother and today he was killed in a motorcycle accident. Please tell me how I accept this because I feel like my heart is being torn out and I want to lay down and die.
Posted by: Donna | August 12, 2008 5:06 AM
It's only been 2 months since I have lost my mom. I miss her like crazy she was and will always be my best firend. Thank You all that have shared there stories it has givin me something to have hope for.
Posted by: JAMIE | August 12, 2008 3:20 PM