The Last Sunset
I’ve been hit in the gut – not with the flu – but with loss.
My father died unexpectedly Monday evening.
I feel deflated…and defeated.
Ironically, the most upbeat day in the 6 weeks he’s been in the hospital since his car accident was also his last. Everyone was excited that he was making such noticeable progress, and on the same day he was to die, he also got up with a walker for the first time. He was wheeled to the room where he would soon begin physical therapy in a wheelchair by my sister, Sherry, and my mother as everyone cheered him on. Did he take one look at the work-out equipment and figure (on some level) that he wasn’t up for the task? My husband, who has worked with Hospice, tells me that it’s typical for people to rally before they die. It’s also common that on some unconscious level they frequently know they’re going to die.
“Today’s the day!” he had said enthusiastically to Sherry and my mother when they visited him on that day. When Sherry questioned him about his announcement, he added, “It’s the day that everything’s coming off!” He meant the neck brace, the tracheotomy apparatus, and anything else they had him hooked up to.
“Today’s the day you’re getting up!” Sherry corrected him, wondering if he was confused.
A few hours later, after they left, he quietly slipped away. A blood clot? An aneurism? A mucus plug in the tracheotomy tubing? We don’t know yet. The hospital staff were as surprised as we were.
It looks like my writing is destined to continue the ongoing theme of grief and loss...
Photo: July, 2005 at sunset: Robert Leo Redman Jr. assisting Robert Leo Redman Sr. down to the parking lot at The Blue Hill Weather Observatory where my brother Jimmy’s annual memorial picnic was being held. The flag seen in the background is the one that was erected in Jim’s honor and has a dedication plaque set in its base.
Comments
Colleen, I'm so,so,so sorry.
You're in my prayers. I pray for the strength of you and your family to get through this together.
Tommi
Posted by: Tommi | November 30, 2005 9:20 AM
Thanks Tommi, We'll be heading out for Boston this afternoon for the funeral, and so my posting will be erratic.
Posted by: colleen | November 30, 2005 9:24 AM
my sympathy.
Posted by: mark | November 30, 2005 9:26 AM
Colleen.
My grief extends to you, to your heart, to mine. What is this lesson? These losses?
I'd call you right now but I know that you're online. Know that I am here. I am here with Elliot's poems, with Cory's shirts, with Kitty's smile etched in my soul. I want to come to you and cry. Wipe my tears on your tears. None of this makes sense. There is no academic perspective. I look at my essay and laugh. I look at your words and cry. I want to be with you. Should I come now?
Posted by: Mara | November 30, 2005 9:29 AM
We too have experienced people rallying just before death. John Wentzell did. We wish we could be there, and hug and love on all of you. We love you. Please take care and be safe.
Posted by: Bob and Rose | November 30, 2005 11:04 AM
David and I are so saddened by your news. Our thoughts go with you as you return to Hull.
Posted by: Gretchen | November 30, 2005 11:05 AM
Colleen I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.
Posted by: InterstellarLass | November 30, 2005 11:08 AM
I have such incredibly wonderful memories of my childhood with the redmans. I can't believe uncle Robert is gone and I am very sad. He always made me laugh
Posted by: Bob Wentzell | November 30, 2005 11:09 AM
Oh Colleen, I am so very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. My heart goes out to you and your family.
((hugs))
Posted by: Simply Coll | November 30, 2005 11:25 AM
Oh, Colleen. I am so sorry.
Posted by: KathyinBlacksburg | November 30, 2005 11:28 AM
My prayers are with you. During these times of grief, my the caring hands of a loving and gracious God embrace and strengthen you and your family..
Posted by: sage | November 30, 2005 11:36 AM
Colleen, I am very, very sorry.
Posted by: mar | November 30, 2005 11:42 AM
This entry hit me where it hurts. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss, and your grief. Good, warm thoughts are with you and yours.
Posted by: Jennifer | November 30, 2005 11:49 AM
Amy and I are both very sorry. We have enjoyed reading all the wonderful things you've had to say about your father and I enjoyed re-reading your Memorial Day post just now. Please travel safely and know that our thoughts are very much with you and the rest of your family.
Posted by: Mayberry | November 30, 2005 12:37 PM
Oh, Colleen, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad...how devasting. If there's anything I can do to make anything just a little easier for you in any way, please let me know.
hugs,
Janet
Posted by: Janet | November 30, 2005 1:13 PM
I am truely sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in 2002 and it was very difficult to endure,but somehow I did and you shall as well. Let your grief resolve itself. The sun will shine again. :)
Posted by: Paul | November 30, 2005 1:34 PM
Colleen,
I am so sorry about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. I know that this is a sad and stressful time for you. You have been such a help, comfort and inspiration to so many readers, including me. I hope that we can return the favor and support you through this time.
Posted by: Linda | November 30, 2005 3:08 PM
Colleen, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now, and like others I wish I could be with you to offer my support and comfort in person. Please know that my love and prayers are with you now.
Posted by: Jeanne | November 30, 2005 4:42 PM
Colleen, I am so sad for you and your family. I hope that the good memories you have of your dad will sustain you. I know that writing about him will help a lot, as it obviously has with your brother's deaths. May God bless the rest of you; have a safe trip north and we will be here when you return.
Posted by: kenju | November 30, 2005 4:47 PM
Colleen,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your words have always brought comfort to others who have read them. I wish I had some more words for you. I want to tell you thankyou for your comments on my blog. They helped.
Your family will continue in my thoughts..
Ivy..
Posted by: Ivy | November 30, 2005 5:30 PM
Wow, what a shock. My sympathies to you in this loss. May the haven of the family and friends be a refuge for each other.
Posted by: Pearl | November 30, 2005 8:04 PM
News like this brings tears, shock, and grief. I'm so very sorry for your loss. You and your whole family will be in my prayers. From the loving tone of all your posts we know your father was surrounded by love and that you are as well.
Posted by: srp | November 30, 2005 8:39 PM
So very sorry, Colleen. Sending you and your family peace and serenity.
Posted by: Patry | November 30, 2005 10:17 PM
Colleen, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.
May he rest in peace.
Posted by: terrilynn | November 30, 2005 10:30 PM
I'm sorry Colleen. May you be held in God's hands.
Posted by: lisa | November 30, 2005 10:41 PM
Our prayers are with you and your family, Colleen.
Posted by: Mary | November 30, 2005 11:48 PM
Oh Colleen, I'm so very very sorry...How much loss can one family take??? My heart is with you and you are in my thoughts, dear Colleen...Take Good Care Of Yourself.
Posted by: OldOldLady Of The Hills | November 30, 2005 11:49 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Posted by: jeannette | December 1, 2005 5:39 AM
While Colleen is on the road (due to arrive in Hull sometime this afternoon), I have posted our father's obituary information at my blog "PPP of View" (http://ben-gal.tripod.com), taken directly from the Keohane funeral web site: http://keohane.com - It's a beautiful tribute to our beloved dad. I'm sure Colleen is thankful for all the support, as I am too.
Kathy
Posted by: Kathy | December 1, 2005 7:15 AM
Colleen,
I'm hurting all over for you. Words can't do justice at this time ... I will leave it at that.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Carol
Posted by: Weary Hag | December 1, 2005 7:29 AM
Colleen...I had no idea. I'll let my dad know today. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I'm here. Hugs and kisses to all the family.
Posted by: TammyB. | December 1, 2005 7:52 AM
I'm so sorry sweetie. I can't even imagine. I will be praying for you. Take care of yourself.
Posted by: oreo | December 1, 2005 8:55 AM
From a Howard Johnson's in Pennsyvania with wireless and a real breakfast (and after some disturbing dreams), I want to say THANKYOU to everyone for all your words of comfort. They really do help. Colleen
Posted by: colleen | December 1, 2005 8:59 AM
Oh my goodness Colleen, I am so, so, sorry and stunned at these turn of events. I don't know what to say.
I am thinking of you and sending thoughts of peace and strength your way.
Maybe now isn't the time, but I strongly suggest going to that grief support group when you are ready.
I also suggest reading "Giving Sorrow Words" by Candy Lightner. The book may be out of print, but you can find it on amazon. I highly recommend it.
Please email or IM me if you need to talk.
Posted by: Chickadee | December 1, 2005 11:15 AM
i only recently found your site
and was immediately drawn in by it.
while you don't know me as a commenter,
please accept my most sincere
condolences. i wish you much strength
and peace. and i say this with only
the purest of intentions: be open to
your dad's presence. he is near you always.
Posted by: patricia | December 1, 2005 11:35 AM
Oh, Colleen, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. My thoughts are with you as you and your family deal with this sad loss.
Posted by: TC | December 1, 2005 1:27 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
Posted by: SquashedToad | December 1, 2005 2:39 PM
My prayers and sympathies are with you and your family right now.
From what you've said about your father, he sounds like he was a really wonderful person. I'm glad I've gotten to know him the little that I have through your blog.
Posted by: Jen | December 1, 2005 4:01 PM
Colleen,
My sympathies are with you and your family. I understand your loss and your pain. Prayers are for you.
Paul Nichols
Posted by: Paul N. | December 1, 2005 7:17 PM
Colleen,
My prayers and sympathies are for you and your family at this time. I understand your loss.
Paul Nichols
Posted by: Paul N. | December 1, 2005 7:19 PM
So sorry to hear of your loss. It is never easy, and especially when things seem to be turning for the better. But do we know what's 'better' in these situations? Perhaps an earlier departure saved him from a less peaceful one later on, or let him keep an appointment in another time beyond ours.
Posted by: fred1st | December 1, 2005 7:40 PM
Colleen - I'm so sorry. I feel for you. I just lost my Dad too. One hour from now it will be two weeks.
Posted by: Barbara | December 1, 2005 10:04 PM
As you can tell from all the comments to your blog,you have many friends to help you through this time. My mother-in-law did exactly the same thing, rallied, and then passed on the next day. We thought she was coming home.
Posted by: Tabor | December 2, 2005 12:02 AM
I am so very sorry, Colleen. My mother had also rallied -- she died during the night before she was to be discharged from the hospital. I wish you and yours all possible comfort and strength, and send all the hugs the ether can carry.
Posted by: Elissa Malcohn | December 2, 2005 12:34 AM
I am so so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself.
Posted by: Nancy | December 2, 2005 11:02 AM
Colleen,
I am so very sorry. You and your wonderful family are in my thoughts and prayers.
xo
Posted by: MommaK | December 4, 2005 6:55 PM